Hey AVR1962,

I saw your post and I am having a similar sort of problem with my child, though it's my son, but he is also 12 years old. His name is Kennedy. He was diagnosed with High-Functioning Autism (called Aspberger's Syndrome, but there are all different types of this condition) He has a major sensitivity to touch, light, and loud sounds. He also has minor social problems where he doesn't necessarily understand the rules of proper communication or how to correctly react to certain jokes and other things like sarcasm. He has been in a private school that has a special unit for kids with autism. He is in a class known as a cluster class (which is where there are no more than 10 children in the class, and they all have very similar forms if not the same form of Autism). Kennedy just finished the 6th grade and in two months will be going on to middle school, where they have told me he will have some support, but it will be nothing like what he is used to. Basically he will be mostly on his own. He has been extremely interested in the Emo culture for a while now, and he constantly talks about death and sex. He attempted suicide 2 years ago when he was diagnosed with Autism by swallowing a whole bottle of my prescription cortisone (which is a medication for addisson's disease) It is a man made form of adrenaline, because my body does not produce it and it would have caused a slew of unbearable side affects before it would kill him. The only reason he hasn't died his hair black is because I have strictly forbidden it and monitor everything he buys, he has also not began wearing all black because I won't buy enough all black clothes for him that he would be able to put together an entire black outfit. Otherwise, I am positive he would have done both of those things by now. There is so much more to the story, but because I have come across a few helpful tricks I want to share those with you. First, about your daughter's diary; Does she know that you read it? If she does, she could be using it as a way to hurt you or manipulate you into thinking your loosing her. If she doesn't know it would be my personal suggestion to STOP reading it at all before she finds out. I am an artist/writer, and I also teach a college English course. This does not make me an expert in parenting, but I can tell you first hand the importance and influence writing has on people (young and old). Writing is a way to express the thoughts and feeling that you feel you cannot share with anybody else. It provides a place to think about your dreams and desires, and helps you to feel the relief sensation of sharing that secret that has been weighing on you or going over an argument or discussion and realizing what you may have done right or wrong and helps you to come up with ways to approach the situation better next time, or how to move to the next step in a situation etc...From a very early age my mother taught me to write in a journal and promised me that she would never invade my personal thoughts by reading my journal. That it was a safe place for me to learn things and express things. My father got re-married when I was 13 and during a summer break when I was visiting my mother I had left my journal at home and my step-mother found it and read it. When I found out I felt so completely betrayed. I felt that I could never trust anyone again. This incidence affected me for the rest of my teenage years and many of my adult years as well. If you think your daughter is bad now, wait till she finds out you have betrayed her personal private thoughts. It's such a better idea to talk to her. She is your daughter, you know how to tell when she is lying to you, call her on her lies in a compassionate way and tell her your not there to fight or punish her, you just need the information so you know how to make her happy again. If she refuses, do not stop trying every chance you get.
About her brothers; My kids also have a brother. He is their half brother, he is 13 and he lives in Texas, we live in Utah. They have only met him once before for only three days and they were so young they barely remember it if at all, they hardly ever talk to him on the phone, but the frequently express how much they love him to me and everyone else. Whether your daughter knows her brothers or not, they are still her brothers and she feels that connection, strongly! If they do not contact her, you should be the first one to figure out a way to get their contact info and present it to her. Whether you understand the relationship or not, you should show her that you encourage it and that you are happy to have a daughter who has such a big heart. From your comment I came to the conclusion that her biological father and you are no longer together and that you are re-married, is that correct? This next statement has to do with that; I don't know how often she has contact with her biological father, but in my experience that can have alot to do with specific behaviors. Even if they have constant contact with another adult male like a step-father or grandfather. It is extremely possible that although she loves these brother's dearly she does not have much contact with them and it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for her brother to not call her and tell her he is having a baby. She probably feels the same way about her dad. On the other hand, she see's you everyday, you know how important her brother is to her, you knew about the pregnancy, and you did not make sure that she found out from her brother or father which makes her believe in her in her mind that you knew she didn't have that information, you yourself certainly had it, but don't care enough about her feelings for her brother to have told her the news yourself. As dramatic a conclusion and her reaction may have been, it definitely makes sense and I can certainly see where she is coming from and why she says you were withholding information. If you look at it from her perspective, can you understand too? Maybe someone else was in fact responsible for telling her, but they didn't, and as her mother that then makes it your responsibility. About the I'm stupid comment; You did the right thing by telling her that shee could have gotten a serious infection and piercing her ears herself was not particularly a good idea, but in your comment you say that your specific words were (told her what she did was stupid), now as an adult, I certainly understand why you would say that, but what you have to remember is that as smart as she may be, she is still only 12. Add to that the fact that her body is changing along with it's chemicals making her behave all different kinds of ways in a matter of seconds sometimes. The combination of her age, physical change, and the fact that kids that age just plain over dramatize, I can understand why she would take your comment, pick out that specific word and think you were calling her personally stupid instead of her action stupid. She physically and mentally cannot see the difference yet, so I would suggest that you try to be very careful and clear with your statements and word choice.
I have more advice/tips/suggestions for you, but have to step away at the moment, so scroll down if you would like to read the rest of my reply to you.