To the original poster having issues with her 14 yr old:

I read from various child-development experts that 2 times during their lives, our children will go through a stage of development that is termed 'healthy narcissism.' This is a necessary and vital stage where adolescents are trying to discover who they are, where they fit in and so forth -- apart from us. This may be part of what's happening with you and your daughter's relationship.

Imagine entering a timed competition, groping blindfolded in a dark room while simultaneously fearing you won't find the door -- and your entire future is hinging on your success. Pretty scary stuff: Adolescence.

Affirming her foundation -- strengths, talents, skills, abilities, positve character traits and values she possesses, may turn things around for the two of you. Also try helping her channel unique gifts and passions in her that are just below the surface OUT INTO THE WORLD to others-- something of SUBSTANCE; also altruistic work volunteering perhaps helping kids worse-off than herself breeds gratitude etc. Lots of reassurance, no criticism or nagging, firm rules, limits and boundaries for safety and stability with rock-solid appropriate consequences, may be the 'glue' that holds everything together in spite of what you see, hear, or fear. What would you want to hear if you were a frightened, insecure teenager? She needs to know she has something inside herself to offer to the world and others--valuable and worthwhile contributions. Significant.

Outwardly let her see and hear you being her cheerleader on the sidelines: 'I believe in you'..'I know you'll do just fine'...'I have complete confidence in your decision making ability'..'I know you will call me if you get in a jam--you're so responsible and trustworthy!'...'I am just a phone call away anytime day or night'.... 'I am here for you' .."I love you no matter what.' Create some on your own that fit your child's needs. Try to do things that she enjoys-- together and often. Keep trying and asking--eventually she'll say 'yes.'

I wish I had known how to better help my daughter when she was at this stage. I did not know what I know now that's for sure and we had no internet to access immediate answers. I tried to suggest finding activites for her to explore but all were met with hostility and disdain--I did not know what to do. I did not recognize that we needed outside help--that what she was going through was beyond normal teen dis-satisfaction with life. Big mistake and regret on my part. If the situation feels beyond your capabilities or knowledge, or nothing you've tried is working--I think that's a sign to get help. They need us to figure out what they need (spiritually) and give it to them--we are the parent(s). We need to help them find something they are 'good at' that makes them 'feel good inside' if they are feeling empty and lost or they will fill it with all the undesirable means that are available--including seeking admiration and attention from people which is a lot of work and nothing tangible to show for it except an adult narcissist who's shallow, cold and empty.. Instead--help her create something uniquely her in the physical realm that noone can ever take from her, that is not fleeting and that she can feel a sense of accomplishment about and contribute to others.

Another site ' The Informed Parent' has something called 'Good Enough Parenting' and 'Too Good Parenting' for comparison and as a guideline to help PARENTS etc help teens through this 'healthy narcissism' stage. The goal is aiding in their healthy development toward adulthood and the real world so that they are prepared for life on life's terms and you not being their eternal scapegoat if they get out there and find they are ill-prepared.

Every kid is different and has different needs and are on different levels of development--have a professional help assess the situation and give you solid recommendations on what she is lacking so that you can supply what would be most beneficial to her. Don't freak out, stay calm. Educate yourself and apply what you learn on your daughter's behalf. I read that Wisdom IS Knowledge plus Understanding -- the 'understanding' part can make all the difference. To me it means finding exactly what that missing piece is and providing it like a DR would with non-judgmental compassion.

A parenting book that I didn't find until after my daughter was grown is called "Redirecting Children's Behavior' by Kath Kvols. It's based on 5 Needs we all have and teaches how to identify which need is not being met by the behavior your child is displaying and continues on from there through the whole process--communications, consequences, internal motivation, mutual respect and so on.. This book is fabulous and even helps turn difficult adult relationships around. There may be a parenting workshop by the same name in your community. I hope you'll get the book and I hope you're feeling encouraged and empowered. Stay positive and don't take anything she does or says personally as difficult as that is--be there for her emotionally while working behind the scenes productively.

I'm rooting for you. The last thing you want is for a personality disorder to develop and take hold at this stage of her life as they become ingrained traits resistant to treatment. That's my reality with my adult daughter and from the sound of it, many of the other mothers who have posted on this site. Research narcissistic personality disorder or others and that should light a fire under you to do all in your power to save yourselves from unimaginable heartbreak that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Take care and stay strong. I hope you'll post again with updates!

Dear patchouli794 , My youngest sister accused my father of sexually abusing her and it was totally a false accusation. She later recanted her story but serious damage was done. It caused so much pain to my parents. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you. I know I would be completely in shock and horror. My sister did this in the 90's when there was a big upsurge in these kind of accusations. Almost always there was a therapist involved who pushed this idea on the person...That they must have sexually abused and just don't remember it. Sometimes they used hypnotism. Did your daughter go through any therapy? Being a mother is non-stop pain. I'll tell you one thing, being hurt so much by my grown children has made me appreciate and love my mother so much more. I feel so bad for ways I hurt her. I try to be there for her as much as possible and be the best daughter I can be for her. And for my Dad. I'm trying to use my pain to be a better person because it is that or something very self-destructive.

Not sure what to say...Tonight my grandson who is 2, came back from weekend visitation with his Dad. I take care of him during the week when my daughter works and he is truly the sunshine of my day. My daughter is a whole other story. She is often very rude and hateful to me and tonight she informs me that I was the reason that she and her Ex got divorced. She says that I was always interferring with their life and making her feel that she should come over to my house. She did often spend the night...I do not recall "making" her stay but if the subject came up I always told her that she was welcome to stay. She also told me that it was things that I said to her Ex that caused problems...I did rarely say much to him because I rarely saw him when I was at their house he was always playing video games...or he was at work. I often went to clean her house or cook because she would say she had problems doing that with a kid to take care of.. As I mentioned before I watch my grandson while she works and tonight she said that she did not know how I treated him while she worked but that for some reason he did not want to come back when she went to pick him up from his visit with his Dad,,,and that she maybe needed to find daycare for him. I said maybe because he only sees his dad every other weekend...and misses him...maybe that could be it...She often says that she is going to send him to daycare or find a sitter...(she lives with me) that would be more dependable...She often tells nme that I am crazy and that I need medication. My husband and I are both disabled and spend our entire day playing and taking care of that sweet child and would be lost without him. This is not the first argument we have had...and it is tearing me up. I have asked her not to talk down to me in front of him that it will affect the way he looks at us as he gets older. I am at a complete loss and the tears are starting to roll again...She cannot afford to live out on her on..she does not have enough money to even start to feed herself let alone him. So I know she is not going to get a sitter or daycare...Someone please tell me how to deal with this girl please....She is 31 now...not a child...and should be growing up...

God, it rips my heart out to see so many other women going through what I'm going through. When I first started posting here, there were only a few posts, and now they are in the hundreds.

It's been almost a year and a half since my daughter went onto the internet and wrote a (completely false)story about me sexually abusing her as a child. My heart completely broke that day, and it's still broken. Every day, I hope to hear from her, either through phone or email. I want her to just say, "I know it's not true, Mom. I made it up." That's all. But I hear nothing. It's as if this beautiful little baby whom I cherished with my whole being has simply disappeared. In her place is this young adult woman, and I don't even know her.

The pain continues, but day by day it gets a little more bearable. I try to just go on and not think about her. I try to remind myself that I did nothing to deserve this, I did the best job I could, and that I am mourning a relationship that was never really what I thought it was.

I continue my fight to heal, and I hold on to the tiniest hope that we might reconcile someday before I die, more for her sake than mine.

May all of us who suffer this pain, heal and find happiness.

Karen Marie,

Do talk to someone. This pain for a mother is too great to completely recover from. I live with it by compartmentalizing. I put it away in a place where I don't have to think of it all the time, and focus on other things. You are focusing on the bond that you feel with her, but realize that she feels no bond with you. If she were not your daughter, would you be friends with her? Would you even want her in your life? Don't make excuses for your daughter. You did not do anything to deserve this. Next time she needs something, tell her to take care of it herself. It is not acceptable for her to abuse you while using you to change her oil or do anything else for her. Don't go to her events. Do things you enjoy and enjoy your relationship with your two sons. Enjoy your relationship with that dear husband who changes your children's oil! Your daughter may be going through a phase, but it could take years, if ever. If/when she grows up and treats you well and shows you love instead of abuse, then you can let her back into your life. Take care of yourself.

I just wanted to write an update. My daughter has been gone over 3 weeks now. It is so hard for me to cope. I go through bouts of crying and then anger. I am really trying to stay balanced but it is hard. I miss her so much. Not the way she has been acting towards me lately but the way she was most of her life. She was always affectionate. Sitting next to me. Giving me a hug. Saying she loved me. I know kids grow up and leave home but not like this (I hoped!). I've seen her a few times. She was in a play and I went to all three performances like I usually would have and she snubbed me at all three which was painful. She can't look me in the eye. I can't tell if it's drugs or if she just hates me. She came over the other day to get her oil changed. Her stepfather did this for her. She was very short with me and wouldn't look at me. She cut off her brother who is 21 and always close to her. He is also hurt. Could this be drug use? Or is she just furious I made her leave because she wouldn't get an evaluation by a professional to see if she had a drug problem.? When I am hurt like this I find it hard to think clearly and I wonder if I totally over reacted and now have lost my daughter for good. I don't know if I can bear that. How do parents cope with their children cutting them out of their lives for a very very long time? Or maybe forever? I have 4 children. Two sons have a relationship with me. The second oldest cut me off 13 years ago. He just said he always planned on doing that since he was little because I "was crazy". The pain I felt over this loss has only subsided in the past year . Now this with my daughter. I have fear I can't take it. I tried so hard to be a good mother . To make sure they knew I loved them so much. To be there. I sure as hell wasn't perfect and made many mistakes but I don't feel I deserve this. How do people live with this?

> Linda,
>
> It helps to see a therapist, especially when the wounds are fresh. Some of the things my therapist said that helped me are--
> Take care of yourself. No matter how much money you spend on yourself, you'll still save money compared to what you spent on ___.
> Don't obsess about your daughter. It's hard to understand sociopathic behavior. When thoughts of her intrude, let them go. Replace them with something else. Create good memories now. Let go of the past; you can't change it.
> Set aside your self-blame. You are not responsible for your daughter's choices/behavior. You did not tell her to lie, etc. You taught her good things. She made her own choices.
> Your daughter may continue to try to manipulate you. Don't let her. Protect yourself.
> Never give ___ another thing. You've given enough.


Thanks for this advice. It helps and I'm going to find a therapist because I refuse to let even my daughter ruin my life. I'm sick of being a victim. I'm tired of it.. I spent money getting my hair done today instead of on her. It felt really good.

This is a reply to a few posts. I recommend the book, "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. It is impossible for me to understand sociopathic behavior. That said, ideas and words are just tools for sociopaths and malignant narcissists. They say what they need to achieve their ends (ends may not be logical), but statements and agreements are easily abandoned when this is opportune. She clearly is baiting you. Ignore her. Move onto something more rewarding for you.