I am a mother of two grown children. My daughter is 29 and my son is 27. Since my daughter was around 12-13 she has hated me. I could never understand it but I somehow accepted it and hoped that when she became a mother we would become closer. She gave birth to my first grandchild las February and things have gotten even worse. While shewas pregnant we probably had the best relationship we've ever had. When she went into early labor I got on a plane to be with her. She asked me to spend a month with her after Colin was born, which I did. But after he turned 2-3 months she began to treat me badly again. In short, she says very hateful things to me, but then turns around and asks me for money. I used to give her anything I could, because I will admit that I was trying to buy her love. I have stopped giving her money and told her that she needs to love me for who I am, but she is now telling me that she does not want me in her life. Can someone please tell me how to accept and cope with this. It is breaking my heart and slowly killing me. Please someone give me some advise as to what I can do.

Thank you,
Linda Boothroyd

Thanks....Im trying to focus on something other than her....its hard.. I know exactly what I need to do, its hard to just sit back and pretend like it doesnt bother me...

Thanks for your words~ And, Yes, I too, have been praying for her to change...You are right, I just need to focus on myself...

My daughter hates me as well. She just graduated, just turned 18 in March and she says that she cant stand to be around me.

I am pretty certain that over her 18 years of life, I have been more than patient with her....something that thought I didnt have.....patience. But, she is still standing, thus, I have patience.

Since she was little, she had temper tantrums....i assume they were normal...she has been hateful, rude and down right nasty, at times. She has done everything she can to separate from her family. She does NOT like to show affection to her family and vice versa....Friends are more important than anything.

I honestly think that I have been so afraid to be tough on her because Im so afraid of the way that she will respond. I spent most of her teen and adolescent years crying over her because she was so difficult. Literally though I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

She says I have pushed her away, when in reality, she has removed herself.

Since her graduation, we have only asked that she let us know what time she will be home, clean up after herself and pay her way for her own clothes, etc. (She does work).

I honestly do not know what to do about her and the pain and hurt that she has caused me just doesnt get worse. She has ran off before, due to not wanting to face consequences...

I think I have really screwed up by not being more of a disciplinarian with her, but it was a struggle day to day to deal with her attitude and bitchiness...my daughter is very difficult.

She has decided that she is going to stay with a friend to see what it is like living on her own....granted, I am OK with that....she should see what it is like...but at the same time, I wish she wouldnt have left like she did..she just up and left without cause...

I am not a weak person. I am very strong person, but for some reason, when it comes to her, I am very very weak....and she makes me feel like a horrible mother when I just ask her to turn out the lights in the room when she walks out, or clean up after herself or confirm what time she will be coming home....

I really just do not know what i have done to deserve being treated this way. I dont beat or hit my children...when she has been spanked, it is a one good pop on the butt...i do not drink, smoke or do drugs...
i have prayed many times..and it seems to get me no where.

wow, I read a lot of your stories and had so many similarities in mine. I am so glad I am not a lone. This post has really gave me a new outlook on a lot of things. The problem with my daughter is she started her freshman year seeing a guy we totally forbid her to see. We went through so much trying to keep her away from him, it was a very hard time in our lives.She became veru mean and hateful. She has younger siblings, who also had to deal with all her drama. The relationship was so dysfunctional all along, he kept her a secret from everyone, even thought he had someone pregnant when they started dating. She eventually broke up with him and ended up getting pregnant by a boy whose family totally denied the baby, so much hardship and drama there as well. I was just hoping to get her through high school, and move her away when she got pregnant, but when the baby came I worried about the baby. She loves her baby and for the most part is a good mom, but she is one of those types that will always put her relationships first in her life, and that's what we often fought about. Since her freshman year of high school she has given me trouble. I was so tired of it, when I found out she was trying to rekindle the relationship with the boy whom all this trouble started over, I was furious. She was trying to get back with him. I was done!!!!!!! I told her to leave my house, took her car and her phone away. I thought ok, she will see her downfall finally, because I was done. Well my meddling mother came down and got her, then got mad at me for getting mad at her for rescuing my daughter, and proceeded to tell me I didn't care about my grandson. This is a woman who did not help me at all get into college, I did it all on my own with the help of a teacher (I had my daughter in high school as well). My mom has always been controlling, and I know this is terrible to say but she was never really an involved mother, she provided for us, but never got involved with my life until after I moved out at 16. Her and my father always lived their own lives, and probably were not the best parents ever, but I loved them very much. None of my friends could stand my mom growing up, and still till this day a lot of my adult friends don't like her either. Don't get me wrong she may have not been a good mom, but she is an awesome grandmother. It tickled her to death when my, Teenage remind you, daughter became pregnant, and couldn't understand at all why I was so disappointed. She has totally forgotten about her grandchildren, whom are still very young, and only focuses on her great grandbaby, because saying great grandbaby gives her status . My kids don't really want much to do with my parents now, even though I tell them they can call their grandparents if they want, because my daughter had verbally abused them so much when she got in trouble and are upset because they came and rescued her. My oldest child is probably the most hurt because he felt that was wrong on their part. My parents have turned my daughter against me. I asked my daughter after our fight if I could see my grandson and she told me no.She was very ugly about. I know she will take care of the baby, I'm not sure why I should be financially responsible for her choices. So we are going on a little over a month since I have talked to my mom or daughter. I have cried and cried over this, but after reading some of the posts I feel like a new woman. I am just going to pray for my daughter and grandchild and leave it at that. I know she will take care of him, I believe she loves him, and maybe one day when my grandbaby gets older, we can have lunch at McDonalds. I wish her a good life, but I am so moving on with mine. I am tired of the games and all the drama! If someone ever writes a book "chicken soup for the unappreciated grandmother", let me know I am in!!!! I want to end by saying, I may have been a little overbearing at times, but I was very much involved in my daughters life. I put myself through College, worked and attended all her parties when she was a child. I was the host mom whenever the girls wanted a slumber party. My husband says the only thing I did wrong was give her too much. Anyway's, Thank you so much for sharing your stories, you have impacted my life tremendously, and I will no longer allow her too! God bless you parents who truly tried with your children. Let them continue to try and hurt us..God knows dirty!!!!!!!! Pray for them, that's all we can do!!!

There are different reasons why a child hates their parent. it is either because of some genetic reason (i.e. they have a chemical imbalance/genetic disorder) or the child suffered from environmental factors (i.e. insecure attachment from childhood or trauma latter in life) or a combination.

Most of the time, someone who is aggressive towards their parent is enraged due to environmental factors or a combination of environmental and genetic. I think it is rare that it is only genetic. Many times, the parent and the child aren't even aware of this and, if it is related to the parents behavior, they probably suffered their own trauma as a child. Of course, it may not even have been something the parent did directly. For example, it could be the child was abused by a relative or a teacher. The child may harbor anger towards the parent for not protecting them (even though the parent didn't know, but psychology is complex). Another example is fit. Maybe your child had colic and it wasn't possible to console them. Or maybe you had different ways of relating. Some babies prefer to be looked at and talked to instead of being held, which can be very hard for a mother. You weren't at fault but it resulted in a poor attachment, which became the foundation for the relationship and their experience of the world.

These traumas, unless they are dealt with and integrated/released, stay inside us and get worse. They actually become encoded in the body.

One major theory used to understand this is attachment theory and affect regulation. Visit this link or google those terms. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

30-45% of the population suffers from some form of insecure attachment.

The point I am trying to make is that if your child hates you, perhaps there is an opportunity for you to work with the child and recover together. This can be a powerful way to connect and grow. Its very possible that both you and the child (who is now an adult) are unaware of the root cause of it. Instead you and/or they have buttons that get triggered and cause explosions that are, basically, reactions to previous unresolved traumas. If it is something related to interactions between you and the child (as opposed to your spouse or someone else) then you probably learned these traits as a child from your parents or a traumatic experience.

This is not about blaming anyone though. It is about treatment and recovery. It is more difficult to face and solve a problem than to ignore and suffer from it.

If this is happening and if you and/or your child are unable to acknowledge this, it becomes even more difficult to deal with it. Find a good therapist. You may need to see separate therapists. This is complicated and difficult work.

Whatever the case is with you and your daughter, I wish both of you heartfelt luck. Having a negative relationship with your child or parent is extremely painful and harmful for both people.

Someone told me--a lady who runs a soup kitchen and is a very spiritual person, but without a lot of money--that all you can really do for your kids is pray for the. I see the wisdom in this.
My daughter is 37. She is a good mother and a hard worker. If she hadn't decided to arbitrarily have 3 kids by a drunk and abusive man she wouldn't have had to work so hard. It kills me to see how hard she has to work. She hates me because she says I don't respect her choices in life. Nothing I do makes any difference. i try to communicate and she seldom answers. No cards on Mother's Day, birthday. Not allowed to stay at her house the one time I have visited. If I send her money, which I have a few times she makes it clear that she didn't ask for it and it won't buy me a place in her life. I tried many ploys including leaving her alone, and hoping she'll come round. Nothing doing. If I never called her again she'd never call me. My grand-kids could care less about me and one is actually rude. I realized that I have spent the last 13 years kissing up to my daughter and it not having the smallest effect. I am not about to start apologizing to the preteen princess for telling her that pictures of her booty do not belong on Facebook.
I really don't think there is anything that can be done. It is hard to wait, but that seems to be your fate and mine. I don't think I will ever have a real relationship with mine, and it breaks my heart. I keep wishing I could have amnesia. In my neighborhood I swear there are crack dealers with more loving families than mine.

You know what let my daughter HATE ME that's her problem! I love her I miss her and my grandkids!! NOMORE HEART BREAK JUST MOVING ON!!!

I cannot change her ! She is selfish and thinks i should hand everything to her! hum i have cut her out of my will and will give my home to the church before she gets anything else from me! I have cried enough and i have set boundaries up!

ENOUGH of her RUDE selfish Ungrateful abusive daughter!!! I AM done with the tears!!! I AM moving on!!!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO SPEND IT PLAYING THE HURT PAINFUL HEART GAME WITH HER! she lives her life and if she chooses to HATE ME so be it!!! I am not going to help her!!!

I'm having a great time exploring the earth and meeting nice people! I'm going to spend the rest of my life smiling!!! If I decide to help anyone it will be stranger or relative that appreciates my help!! HATE ME I WILL PRAY FOR YOU!!

SMILE LADIES AND KEEP MOVING ON!!