I'm about your daughters age, and i can't believe what I'm hearing! You should definatly take your daughter's computer away and give her a talk on the dangers of talking to people that she doesn't even know (or does) about innapropriate subjects. You should also get her into a group that deals with talking about drugs and using them, and tell her that drugs are not cool. I am one of the most popular girls in school, and it's not because I do drugs or anything, it's because people like me for who I am . I really hope you follow my advice, because if you don't do something, your daughter might be in real danger . Like my mom says, a parent's job isn't to make their children like them, it's to do what's best for their children. Good luck!

HELLO SHOCKED I DO HOPE YOU READ!
dear: spying i had to write this,i wish i had you as a parent when i was 14.my background qualifies me and mandates that i write my oppinion
( YOU ARE A GREAT PARENT TO MAKE SHUR YOU CHILDREN ARE
DOING SAFE AND HAVING POSITIVE EXPEIRANCES,FIRST PLEASE DO NOT USE "TOUGH LOVE",YOU WILL NOT BE HAPPY FOR A LONG TIME, I commend you for doing what needs to be done.next time your spying on daughter’s email,get a program spend a few $$$ buy a router and a cheap laptop with built in DVD/RW = rewritable DVD 4.2 gig about 6 hours of video with compression,not only should you look at her mail as you allready know the worst is happening,set up you laptop "might need a pro to do for you i dont know your experiance,"use the laptop and router ,ut router in a another room but make shure her primary line to the net goes thru the router ,set laptop to be able to control and syncronize with hers,youll need her ip address,the computer name,GET INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL (TCP)-preffered, or ( UDP ) PORT NUMBERS,can set as adhoc,but dont recomend? up to you or pro,just do it.a IP adrress is = internet provider adress code exp:"205.54.54.106"=example only now a port can be any number depends on prossesor and other variables but can be from 1-999999, but very easy to find dont worry i use the "tcp" ports as they are easier and will not leave you or her computer at risk.
GOD BLESS YOU FOR CARING YOU ARE WONDERFUL ,ONCE you are set and she is in her room and you cleverly undidher conection,"hope you have cable internet or atleast DSL much easier,and hooked a splice from her computer ,better you have alot of options to do this this is JUST ONE,YOU COULD BUT A WIRE LESS TRANSMITTER IN A OPEN :SERVICE SLOT AND SET YOU COMPUTER TO READ THE "MACHINE ADDRESS CODE" BETTER KNOW AS THE -" MAC " - NUMBER.as she is on live record the whole session of her internet use,NOW
HERE IS THE HARD PART" BE HONEST " BE UPFRONT WITH YOUR daughter,AND LET HER KNOW ALL THAT YOU KNOW ,I CAN NOT STRESS ENOUGH,I KNOW ALOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE ANGRY WITH THIS REPLY,,I HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE IN PHYCOLOGY,AND I AM A PARENT, AND I DONT WANT TO SEE ANOTHER STATISTIC !!!!!!!!
THE MAN SHOULD BE REPORTED TO THE POLICE AS SOON AS YOU KNOW HIS SCREEN NAME.AND INTERNET PROVIDER, EXP:MSN,YAHOO,GMAIL,EARTHLINK,PEOPLE PC,COX COMMUNICATIONS,MANY OTHERS,IF USING AIM SOUNDS LIKE SHEIS ON "( AOL )" BUT NOT NESSESARY ANY MORE,FIND OUT THE NAME ,THE ( IP) ADDRESS OF THIS MAN THRU THE INTERNET PROVIDER AND POLICE,:::::: NOW A COMPLEATE ADRESS FOR A COMPUTER LOOKS LIKE THIS : 255.255.255.255.60 = 255 IS RESERVERED FOR GATEWAYS ONLY FOUR FOR YOUR COPUTER ADRESS THE 60= PORT NUMBER,YOU CAN FIND THIS INFO FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS,COMPUTER ,BY GOING TO www.dslreports.com youll be able to get a open port as well there with a diagnostic ,you must do this on her computer while at school,,ABOVE ALL WHEN YOU HAVE INFORMATIO9N BE HONESTM WITH YOUR DAUHGTER,AND LET HER KNOW LOVE IS STRONG AND YOUR WORRIED ,EXPLIAN THE HARD FACTS OF LIFE I KNOW WE ALL WANT TO PROTECXT OUR MOST VALUABLE ASSET OUR FAMILY,
"""""" PLEASE CHECK WITH YOUR LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT AND CALL THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OFFICE AND MAKE SURE SINCE SHE IS A MINOR THAT YOU CAN DO THIS,-----------------------------------------ANOTHER WAY ONCE YOU KNOW WHERE SHE GOES TO TALK YOU CAN DO THE FOLLOWING AND THERE IS NO INVASION OF PRIVACY-----------.BE HONEST THOUGH MAKE A SUCURE PASSWORD "PREFERABLY 12-16 CHARACTERS, AND US ,LOWER CASE,UPPER CASE,LETTERS,NUMBERS AND ONE OR TWO SYMBOLES ,PLEASE WRITE IT DOWN AND PUT IN A SECURE LOCATION HERE WAHT YOU DO .GOTO "START",THEN,CONTROL PANEL,THEN ,INTERNET OPTIONS, THEN THEN GOTO CONTENT "ENABLE THE CONTENT ADVISOR WITH THAT PASSWORD"THEN GOTO SECURITY PUT THE PROGRAMES,,MANS ID AND READ HELP FOLLOW IT ,GOTO SECURITY THEN SET PRIVACY TAB, AS BEING BLOCKED.THEN CONNECTIONS THEN SET YOUR PASSWORD AND ENABLE THE CONTENT ADVISOR,BELIEVE ME YOU HAVE SO MANY TOOLS AT YOUR DESPOSAL TO MAKE SURE IT STOPS A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL SHOULD NOT BE TALKING TO MEN OR BOYS ABOVE 16 IN ANY WAY UNLESS ITS A FAMILY OR CLEARGY,PLEASE BEFORE YOU DO A COMPUTER "TAP" MAKE SURE ITS LEAGEL,IF NOT READ HELP AND START USING WHAT MICROSOFT ALREADY HAS FOR CHILD WEB SURFING AND MESSINGER SAFTY,PLEASE BE CAREFUL ONLY DO WHILE SHE IN SCHOOOL AND THEN BE UP FRONT LET HER KNOW YOU ARE MONITORING HER,IF YOU TELL HER ABOUT SNOOPING THE EMAIL YOUR GOING TO HAVE A ANGRY GIRL,BUT BETTER ANGRY THEN MISSING,SO I SUGGEST THAT YOU SAY FROM THIS DATE FORWARD I WILL BE MOTERING YOU ACTIVITY ON THE COMPUTER,I HEARD THE GIRL 4 STREETS OVER WAS TALKING TO A MAN ON THE INTER NET ,"HINT USE HIS HANDLE" AND THEY CANT FIND HER SHE HAS BEEN MISSING FOR A WEEK,
USE WHATS ON COMPUTER READ YOU ONLINE MANUAL AND WRITE TO AND LIVE CHAT WITH MICROSOFT NOBODY KNOWS THERE SOFTWARE BETTER THEN THEM AND THERE TESTERS,I AM ONE OF A FEW THAT CAN DECOMPILE,RECONFIGURE,CHANGE AND REWORK SO IT RUNS BETTER,NO NEEWD FORE THE GOBACK "RESTORE COMMAND, HINT DONT PRINT THE MANUAL OUT ,I HAVE 8 PRINTERS AND 6 TOP LINE PROSSESORS AND THERE MANUAL IS SO LARGE THAT WITH MY SYSTEM IT WOULD TAK 162 HOURS ON 6 PRINTERS AND WELL OVER 25,000 PAGES,
BE SMART,HONEST,WITH YOU DAUGHTER AND THE BEST OF LUCK
SAFEST WAY IS THRU THE INTERNET PROPERTIES AND ANTIVIRUS SOFTWARE,AND A SMALL PROGRAM THATS FREE"FOLDER LOCK" LOCK THE FOLDERS TO HERE CONTACT MAY BE MORE THAN ,FOR THE MAN,AS I HAVE UPTO 18 EMAIL ACCOUNTS 90 GIG OF ONLINE MAIL STORAGE 3 TERABYTES OF WEBSITE AVAILBILITY,
PLEASE TAKE ACTION A.S.A.P.AND TELL HER BE HONEST PLEASE VERY IMPORTANT

Karen3, I think Jen makes a good point in a previous post: that confrontation or overreaction isn't good. It only further shuts down parent-child communication when it's most needed. It's hard to say how you should broach the subject without knowing you both, but I don't know how you'd talk with her without telling her first that you were very concerned about the amount of time she was spending online and had installed some monitoring software because of that concern. Maybe tell her you're sorry if she feels that was invading her privacy, but it was for her protection and it's your job to protect her until she's an adult; that you're not going to overreact, but you need to know who she's talking with online and why she's talking about drugs, etc. Jen may be right, that it's just exploration, and you might want to acknowledge that you know that's possible, but it's important for you to know if she's considering using. I hope some of those ideas help, but maybe there are some parenting or child-development experts who could join in here. All best,
Anne
--
Anne Collier
BlogSafety co-director

> The easiest way to protect our children is to disable
> the PC, take away their mobile phones, and stick with
> them 24/7. What would you have to do if you had to
> get someone you loved off drugs?? Same way.
> John

oh, and by the way to John, that wont work. She will just find another way to acsess myspace, chatrooms, etc, weather it be at a friends house, another mobile phone, while you are away (she could find where you hid the items), or even accsess it at school. the blocks are very easy to break. ive seen countless people do it.

taking away privlages isnt the only answer. it isnt even in the top 3 answers. they will just hate you. and call you a bitch to their friends on AIM after they've found their computer you hid in your underwear drawer.

-Jen

P.S. my last post was nicer. i just get annoyed when people think that taking away the computer will solve the problem. it wont. trust me.

--
Edited by luna101 at 11/16/2006 4:17 PM

This is such a tough, tough situation. Once you start spying on your kid you are walking down a path that is tough to get off. If you find out something you were afraid you might, how can you broach the subject with your child?

The question I have for other parents out there is do you think the kids really understand how dangerous these people could be? Having sexy talk with someone they think is a late 20s man is one thing, but would they feel different if they knew or had good reason to believe that the person wasn't just a late 20s man, but also a predator. The prevailing wisdom amongst any teenager (we were all there) is that "it won't happen to me." That's what we have to grapple with every day.

I'm so sorry you had to find out this information about your daughter in this way. Your challenge is most assuredly to have an open and honest conversation with your child which is neither accusatory nor threatening, else you risk driving the behavior further underground. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Zeyana, since you mentioned working with the police, we thought it might be interesting to everybody here to get a police officer's perspective on the risks involved in this activity. So I emailed a copy of this post to Detective Frank Dannahey who's on our advisory board and has been a youth officer in the Rocky Hill, Ct., police department for 15 years (he also appeared on NBC's Dateline with three teens and their moms last spring). Here's Frank:

"Wow!! Here’s a teen that might potentially put herself and/or friends in danger. I would tell any teen that the more risks YOU take online, the more risk you have of becoming victimized by adults online. Most criminals who use the Internet to find victims for the purpose of sexual assault or worse usually have a level of cooperation from the potential victim. The least contact you have with persons you don’t know, the less risk you have of being victimized. When you engage unknown adults in a sexual way online, you dramatically increase your risk for sexual victimization. Most of the online horror stories that you see in the media start out with the potential victim being cooperative online. No one gets up in the morning saying 'gee, I think I’ll be the victim of a crime today.' Very often it’s the victim’s poor choices that often contribute to them being victimized. Would you fly in an airplane if the pilot said 'we have 2 engines but one of them doesn’t work very well'? In the same manner, most online experiences are safe, but those that turn tragic often happen because of unnecessary risk-taking on the part of the victim.

"When you take a gift from someone for engaging in cybersex with them, it usually leads to more requests. Often times the requests get more involved such as doing a webcam show or agreeing to meet in person. Plain and simple, if you are doing sexual things online for adults in exchange for 'gifts' you are really engaging in online prostitution.

"Your reputation is something that should be very important to you. What if your friends or other students found out what you were doing online? How would they feel about you then? What would a boyfriend think about you doing that kind of activity or how about your parents? If you were at a family event and an adult started engaging you in a conversation in a sexual way how would you feel about it? Even though you may feel very anonymous online, you're not as anonymous as you think. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable doing a behavior in public, don’t do it online."

As for calling the police about sexual victimization, there's a lot involved, and law enforcement has to gather evidence carefully in order to prosecute - it's not a simple matter of giving them an address, as many people know. Here's just a bit of what Frank said: "The police would never encourage a teen to seek out adults online that engage minors in sexual activity. That’s why the police and federal law enforcement officials engage in undercover operations online. When the police do online undercover work, there are many guidelines and regulations that they must follow. It is important not to entice individuals into behavior that they would not engage in on their own (entrapment). Law enforcement needs to document every conversation and exchange that takes place."

I hope people found this as informative as I did.
-- Anne Collier
BlogSafety co-director -- Edited by Anne at 09/22/2006 1:49 PM

Well I understand her needs it is fun to look up porn and have cyber sex with older men. They know what they are doing and if you are on certain websites you can get items from doing so it is actually very fun. But I am also 14 years old and enjoy it very much but most of the time me and my friends find out where they live and then send the police after them.

fuzzybutton, I don't have a doubt in my mind that you're perfectly safe with Net access in your room. But I don't think it's a good idea for all teens, particularly uncommunicative young people (especially younger teens) who are at-risk in real life and don't have an open relationship with their parents.
Anne
BlogSafety.com co-director